Finding your Literary Equivalents based on your WhatsApp Bio

 As a logophile (someone who loves words, and certainly did not recently google the word “logophile” to employ it in a post), I am someone who believes in the power of words. Not in the wish-washy sense of ‘the power of love’ or “the power of letting go” or even in the sense of exponentiation. More in the rather mysterious, ominous, and frankly, appealing, sense… like ‘the power of the dark side’. 

Words say a lot. (The author requests you to kindly choose to read that that sentence as an example of consummate literary wit.) But, really language is powerful. It signals to the world what kind of person you are, whether you are a cat person or a dog person, a chocolate one or a vanilla one, or, most importantly, Team Edward or Team Jacob. 

(Yes, Sophisticates such as this author perceive such crucial details from a 7 word phrase, and no, don't tell me you haven't watched Twilight.)

                                             Even commas make a difference.

In our internet-enriched lives (or, impoverished, depending on who you ask) what words say more about you than your Your WhatsApp Bio!

In the brave, new, paranoid, online world- there’s almost no way to go wrong with a WhatsApp Bio:

(Although copy pasting  the quote “It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation” from 235 Best Whatsapp Captions while failing to remove evidence of the source may incur some strange looks. Until the possibility that you did it ironically creeps into their minds and they begin to appreciate your genius …. )

#1 Hey there! I’m using Whatsapp: The Adventurer 

You are far too cool (or too old) to change your WhatsApp Bio. You are far too busy drinking life to the lees, whether by engaging in rustic mischief a la Tom Sawyer, or Huckleberry Finn, or getting ready to traipse around the world in 80 days and meet your future wife because of a bet you made, a la Phineas Fog. Needless to say, you simply have neither the time to spend fretting about how to change your bio, nor the inclination to care what people think of you. 

May the high seas smile upon you my bold friend, and may you not be shipwrecked. (Though, knowing you, perhaps a brief stay on a desert island would suit you)

#2 Hey there! WhatsApp is using me! : Orwellian anti-hero protagonist

You are insightful and brave. You see past the vacuous facades into the machinations of the world around you. It may or may not be doing less than wonderful things for your sanity. But hey, what's general well-being against true sight? (Cassandra would say a few words about that but, never mind her.) 

#3 Available: Austen debutante 

Neither brusque nor over-sharing, you present yourself impeccably at all moments. You are the pinnacle of grace and etiquette. You have clearly been the diamond of your season in your time, and your unshakeable poise and inimitable charm have left them stricken with awe as you glide across the ball room, coyly fluttering your fan, tastefully flouncing your gown and gracefully asphyxiating within your corset.

Also your family may have influenced your bio, as they may be perhaps a bit... pushy... if you get my meaning...

#4  When life gives you lemons, whip out your cookbook, make Lemon Layer Trifle and hand it out to the deserving poor. (Also save a slice for your manifestation guru!) &  other motivational quotes: Sunshine protagonist, assorted romcoms

It would be misleading to say you drip whimsy- you ooze it, in your vintage clothes and quirky hats, your Smurf collections and your Polaroids. You have a million dollar smile, but you bestow it lavishly on everyone in sight as if it were free. Everyone over the age of 60 loves you, and everyone below the age of 60 does too, with the exception of the Grumpy protagonist. Worry, not, you'll win them over too by the second act, after some banter and misadventures. 

#5 Battery about to d- : Chuck Palahniuk insomniac protagonist

You are thoughtful and reflective, perhaps choosing to look beyond the shallow ideals society has conditioned you to want. But you may be drained and tired, may be becoming more and more jaded with your surrounds, perhaps looking for meaning. And finding it in, I don't know, a individual person who may or may not be the a split personality who is the culmination of your repressed feelings taking over your body at certain time intervals.

And, unrelatedly,  you simply cannot get enough sleep. 

#6 If you ever need anything, feel free to ask someone else:  Shakespearean sprite with a good-sized heart and perhaps a bit less well-sized work ethic. 

Witty and wry, your sharp tongue brings to life to any party. Though you have been described as everything from mischievous to downright devious (the latter was probably that one overly strict history teacher, so don't worry about it too much,  you are still kind in your way.) However, that does not mean you're above cutting corners, and may be slightly prone to slacking off. In any case, you should not be allowed to handle love potion unless supervised by a responsible authority, 

#7 Busy  (Grumpy protagonist, assorted rom-coms) 

Hardworking, professional, and ambitious, you are the center of every boardroom you walk into. They whisper about you in the back rooms, enraptured by your aura of mystery. Yet, perhaps, sometimes you feel a certain... longing. Worry not. Canonically, you will soon meet some variety of the Sunshine protagonist, (to expediate this process, check their Whatsapp Bio), and they will complete you by bringing the Smurf Collections and whimsy that you never knew you needed into your life. 

#8 Will answer. Eventually. Fitzgerald heir(ess)

Glamorous and alluring, you don't steal the spotlight- the spotlight was your very birthright. Your innate charm enthralls and bewilders them, and countless people think of you longingly while staring at symbolism-rich green lights. And oh, you should perhaps not be trusted around automobiles. 

#9 Time does not heal eternal longing- (and other obscure song lyrics/ lines of poetry)- Dark Academia Protagonist

Most commonly found in the library at late hours, like revelation and many forms of delirium, you love getting lost in the pages of literature, in lost ages and lost loves. The consummate intellectual, your keen mind brings pleasure to your friends and heaps humiliation on your enemies. All that's best of melancholia and hyper-caffeination meet in your aspect and your eyes. You're accused of pretension, obsession and occasionally murder. But heyy, the green eyed monster only mocketh the meat it feeds on. 

#10 Sic transit gloria mundi/ Memento Mori and everything ominous and Latin: Edgar Allen Poe eccentric.

There's just something about you, an aura of mystery, of magic, of a shopping history where the keyword all-black features all too prominently. You inevitably have deep, soulful, even haunted eyes, perhaps the result of too many sleepless nights full of ravens tapping at your window and interrupting your ponderances over the lovely Lenore (or Liam, or Layla). 

But you're not all nevermore and sepulchres by the sea Indeed, you throw excellent masquerade parties, though death personified  may occasionally visit in costume, and by then it might just be too late... oh well, these things happen.